In which I pour out my heart...

I've been trying to figure out why I haven't written anything for so long.  But then I realised I know exactly why I haven't written for so long, it's just whether I can be honest enough to come out and put it down in words.  Because that will make it far too real.

It's not that nothing's been happening, life has been going on as normal, Alex is continuously up to mischief and Oliver is becoming a joy to be around.  Things happen, I make a mental note to put it on the blog and then it just never happens.  Truth is, I'm worried about Alex and I can't seem to make myself write funny stories when I'm so desperately concerned that things are spiralling out of my control.  I feel that how I handle his behaviour now as a parent will impact every path my eldest boy will take in life and that is somehow too awesome a responsibility to contemplate.  I'm not even sure if I'll publish this yet, maybe just writing it will be enough for now.

Maybe I'm making too much of it,but here are the facts.

Alex is barely eats and seems to survive on fresh air.  Food that he used to wolf down with gusto no longer interests him.  While the other children eat most of what is put in front of them, Alex declares he doesn't like it and nothing I can do will change his mind.  Last week we had a two and a half hour lunch session where at the end of my tether, I produced the booster seat out of storage, strapped him in and left him at the table until he'd eaten.  Granted, he eventually cleared his plate, but I'm not sure what I achieved other than to show him who was boss.  But most days I'm too tired to fight him.  Getting up three times a night to feed a baby will do that to you and I just don't have the energy to invest in helping Alex develop good eating habits.  Which then brings those guilty feelings flooding in, that I'll feed my baby, but am leaving Alex to his own devices.

The lack of food ingested by Alex, particularly vegetables, means he's usually constipated.  Although maybe this isn't entirely my fault, he's suffered from constiptation since he was a baby.  Unfortunately being almost permanently constipated means he developing severe issues in his head about pooing and is terrified about doing it on the toilet.  So at three, he's still in nappies more often than not.  I've had meeting after meeting with the early childhood advisor in our area and nothing we try seems to be working.  The latest tactic is that I let him have a nappy to poop in but he needs to be in the bathroom to do it, not hiding behind the sofa as he usually does.  Small steps is apparently the way forward.  We'll see.  My biggest fear is that the other children will eventually take notice of Alex and his poo issues and it will be a reason to alienate him.  Do you know, I can remember the name of every single child in my class at primary school.  Except for one boy and all I can remember about him is that he had a descriptive nickname because of the way he smelled. 

Coupled with this, some days Alex's behaviour is almost out of control.  With the other children, when it's one on one, Alex is FINE.  He plays beautifully with his friends if there are only a couple of them and if he's given clear instructions and activities.  But where he once used to interact with the others as well as anyone else, he seems to be getting increasingly out of control.  A lot of it is done with love, he wants to cuddle his friends, he wants to hold their hands, and it breaks my heart when they push him away because he's invading their personal space.  So then he'll shriek and shout and push and shove and it alienates him even more.

If we're together as a group and the children are playing out of sight I find myself sitting with one ear out for any sign of trouble.  The moment someone starts crying my heart sinks and I just know that Alex has upset one of them.  Again.

I fear he's being labelled the naughty one and that breaks my heart too.  What kind of impact will this have on him?  Does he know he's the "naughty one" yet?  And if he doesn't, how long will it be before he realises this is what everyone thinks of him and will that then reinforce his naughtiness?  And is he really naughty, or is he just a naturally spirited little boy and am I just too hard on him?  I wonder if I should just keep him away from the others for a little while so he's not put in a situation where he can cause havoc, and then no-one will be compelled to keep their children away from him.  If he's not put in a position where he can upset anyone, then will everyone, including Alex, be happier? 

I had a good chat to his key worker at preschool last week.  I worried that his behaviour with the children he's known since birth might be carrying over at preschool as well.  The one fact I'm holding on to right now is that it isn't.  He's no better or worse than any other child at his preschool and that gives me some hope.  I know that suddenly being toppled off his position of number one child in the household by a small baby is bound to have had an impact on him, however well he seems to be adjusting to Oliver himself.  But it saddens me deeply that the children he's known since birth seem to be growing away from him and he doesn't help his cause by being rough with them, however well intentioned it may be.

I think what it all boils down to is that I'm just SO tired.  Too too tired, and I'm drained.  I love Alex with all my heart but at the moment that's not enough - I need energy to invest in ensuring he grows and develops into a confident and kind little boy and I'm a little scared I'm not managing that very well at the moment. 

I don't think the depression is seeping back in.  Well, maybe a little bit but I know it's not like before. 

And just to show things aren't all bad, here are my boys.  Despite everything else, Alex is kind and gentle with Oliver and in return Ollie rewards him with gummy smiles reserved only for Alex.  May my boys be there for each other for ever. 

Oh and just to prove normal service will resume shortly - while it appears that the above photo has been shot in deliberate soft focus to invoke feelings of love and warmth, it's actually just a sticky fingerprint courtesy of Alex investigating the lens...

Comments

[Kat]

Jo
We love you and Alex and Tom told me yesterday that Alex was his friend!
Kat

[Kay]

Lovely, lovely Jo. Now we all know why sleep deprivation is used as a form of torture. Everything that seems so black at the moment, will seem so much better when you aren’t getting up 3 times a night. Reading that post made me wonder if I was reading about the correct little boy. I don’t se Alex as the ‘naughty’ one. Alex is sweet and loving, and does not have a horrible bone in his crazy little body. I can see his eating habits are a bit tricky, and don’t help the poo issues. But, so what? He is healthy, and I am sure that his poo habits will sort themselves out. I bloody hope so or else both he a Harvey will be in the ‘Weird poo’ club together as am banking on the ‘pooing in nappies only’ thing working itself out. Alex hasn’t and won’t alienate himself from his friends. Harvey thinks he is fab. He isn’t so keen should Alex belt him, but then the reverse is true! Harvey can be a right little bugger, and he often drives me MENTAL. I am horrified by how much of the day I spend telling him off. Good job I work for half of the week, it gives Harve a rest from all of my moaning and nagging. Alex certainly won’t alienate any of you from us. We are your friends who love you, and clearly need to support you a bit better than we have done. You need sleep, general rest and some time to yourself – minus the babies. You need a bit of time to be you again. We need to spend more time to go and see George Michael. And to drink cocktails. And to go shopping. And to go to New York. Did I tell you I love you?

[Helen]

Jo - I don't see you and Alex that often and so don't know you as well as Kat or Kay but whenever we see you Alex is a lovely, lovely caring little boy. He is so kind to Rebecca and ALWAYS seems to be smiling to me. As Kay says sleep deprivation is a terrible thing (I can certainly vouch for that) and I'm sure things will be so much better when Oliver gets that little bit older. xxx